Recovering from any addiction can be extremely emotionally challenging. Before sobriety, most of us were solely focused on getting our drug of choice in order to cover up our emotions. Personally, I know that I lived very selfishly; all I cared about was whether or not I could get the things I thought I needed in order to numb myself. In doing so, I didn’t develop a lot of the vital emotional skills needed to form healthy relationships. Early sobriety should be spent on personal development and obtaining the healthy coping skills needed to navigate our lives productively.
Many of us in recovery have heard people recommend that an individual should remain in platonic relationships within the first year of sobriety. When I was newly sober, someone gave me this advice and I thought it was harsh and unnecessary; until it was explained to me. After giving up an addiction, it is extremely easy to fall into a new one. Commonly, when a newly sober addict gets into a relationship before making the necessary psychic change needed in order to fully recover, they become addicted to the other person. Love, sex, attention, or validation are all highly addictive feelings; especially when you are emotionally vulnerable and seeking comfort.
When we become so heavily reliant on another person, this is called codependency. This can become extremely toxic for both parties, especially early in recovery. Both people are ignoring their own problems in the same manner that they did before getting sober, which leads them closer to a relapse. When seeking validation through another person, you are really damaging yourself farther and making it that much harder for yourself in the long run. Eventually, the relationship will fail due to your unresolved character defects beginning to appear and you will be left alone again with the same intense feelings that you could have been learning to manage.
When getting sober, it is highly recommended to start and complete the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous promptly. The steps take a lot of focus and emotional dedication, and are vital in helping you to become stable without the substances in your body. Being an addict isn’t just about your dependency to a substance, it also comes with unhealthy behaviors; irritability restlessness and discontentment are common feelings that addicts deal with on a daily basis. That being said, making sure that we devote all of our time and energy in early recovery to quieting those feelings is usually the only way to being comfortable in long-term sobriety and ensuring you don’t relapse. This means that entering into a relationship early on would only be a distraction from dealing with the things you absolutely have to face if you want to remain sober.
After completing the steps and having a spiritual experience, you should allow yourself some time to really get to know yourself. Spend some time doing things you enjoy with sober friends, and let a relationship come to you naturally. Alcoholic or not, the best relationships present themselves when you aren’t searching for one. Plus, once you fully know your wants and needs it will be so much easier to set healthy boundaries and communicate effectively in a relationship. Waiting until you are emotionally stable and mentally stronger will allow you to find a partner who can meet you halfway, which will promote an overall healthy relationship that you may not have found otherwise.
Guest post by Kailey Fitzgerald